– I’m going to take five suggestions, I’m feeling really good about this, because you guys have been lovely. So don’t let yourselves down
by giving out shit suggestions. Sometimes people are
like “golf” or “pussy” and it’s really boring, right? I mean, you guys would have
loved the golf and pussy rap, there’s “ah, holes”. So, what– (crowd laughing) Guys over here, what would
you like to hear a rap about? – [Audience Member] The plague. – The plague? (audience laughing) Now, you have to be
specific sir, because many different plagues have happened
throughout world history. – [Audience Member] The Black Death. – The Black Death. Okay, yeah, not really
a niche plague, is it? Um, you went for the biggun, the biggun, the Black Death, that’s all right, so uh, the Black Death, are we going for the one in the 1600s or the 1300s? (crowd murmurs) – 1300s, well that wasn’t
the Black Death, was it? That was a trick question, that was– (audience laughing) That was the Bubonic Plague,
which obviously replicated– I’m just being a real bell-end now, because I uh, I listened in history. Um, I’m sorry that was such
a dick move (laughing), cool, so the plague in the
1300s, we’ll take that. Cool, guys in the kind of
little back, the kind of little enclave over there, what– – [Audience Member]
The Salem Witch Trials. – The Salem Witch Trials. This is, so, I don’t take
suggestions that I’ve had before. That–
(audience member interjecting) One second, that was suggested
about three months ago, last time I was in New
York, so I can’t repeat it, that would be cheating. You can come up with another– – [Audience Member] Syphilis! – Well, no, I’m happy to take syphilis, I feel like I should
ask the person who gave Salem Witch Trials another one as well, just I don’t want to be unfair. – [Audience Member] The French Revolution! (audience members murmur) – You, you’ll take syphilis? The French Revolution has
come up before as well, you guys are treading
on very familiar ground. This is confusing. (audience murmuring) – Deep sea fishing? Okay, so plague in the 1300s,
syphilis, deep sea fishing. Okay, okay. (audience murmurs) – Guys, you are eating up all
of this half of the room’s… The walk of shame of shame
after sleeping with a boy band, we’ll combine those. Guys, they’ve only left
you with one suggestion. (audience shouting suggestions) – The Revolutionary War gets
shouted out all the time. That is the most obvious suggestion. (audience laughing) – Right, I’ll be honest with you, I have a YouTube channel where
these go up every week, Revolutionary War was shouted
out in this Wednesday, in this morning’s video,
and I’d already taken it. Just so you know I’m not
just batting down suggestions because I don’t like
them, I could happily rap about the Revolutionary
War, well, not happily, I would cry while rhyming, but. So, let me just kind of, this is your time to think
of a really good one. We have plague in the
1300s, deep sea fishing, the walk of shame after
fucking a boy band, syphilis, so this is going to be, I
want it to be better than all those put together. – [Audience Member] Glow sticks! – Glow sticks, thank you. I think that was the only
thing that could do that. I was like, what are they
going to come up with? What could it be, other than glow sticks? Do you have a particular favorite
girth of the glow sticks? Because obviously there’s
different, you know– (audience shouting) – Girth’s not a mean word, what? Which do you like, do you
like the kind of chunky ones that you dangle from like
a little black string around your neck, or do
you like the ones you can turn into bracelets? The bracelet ones, okay cool, cool, an interesting choice. I myself prefer the ones that you get in, you know, first aid survival kits. So this, lovely people, um, lovely people at the Comedy Cellar, this is going to be a little
thing called a freestyle rap. That is a rap made up on
the spot, based entirely on those suggestions, right? I’m going to check, do we
have the beat over there? (rap beat begins) – We do, this sounds like the beat, cool. Um, freestyle, made up,
none of it’s prepared, none of it is written,
it’s going to be about all those things and do not worry, it will not be anywhere near as atrociously embarrassingly
toe-curlingly bad as you are expecting a middle-class, privately-educated white boy to be. (audience laughing) – Thank you for your
convincing laughs there. (beat intensifies) ♪ Yeah it’s been a while ♪ ♪ Set shit on fire ♪ ♪ Like the Salem Witch Trials ♪ ♪ But we can’t take that ♪ ♪ I answered the quiz ♪ ♪ Ticking off the symptoms of syphilis ♪ ♪ The main one ♪ ♪ I hold my lovers close ♪ ♪ I be careful ♪ ♪ ‘Cause they’re gonna lose their nose ♪ ♪ Like Tycho Brahe ♪ ♪ Lost his in a duel ♪ ♪ Not from syphilis ♪ ♪ The man was not a fool ♪ ♪ He always wore a rubber ♪ ♪ Well a lambskin ♪ ♪ From the fifteenth century went in ♪ ♪ And syphilis ♪ ♪ I think this shit is so sick ♪ ♪ Got to take antibiotic ♪ ♪ To fix that drip ♪ ♪ Don’t come near ♪ ♪ Unless you’ve got gonorrhea ♪ ♪ Any other STD’s get outta here ♪ ♪ I take those pills
until my piss is clear ♪ ♪ Then I go have sex ♪ ♪ With no fear ♪ ♪ I never leave my dick in my own hand ♪ ♪ I’m going out to the concert ♪ ♪ Boy band ♪ ♪ I’m standing in the crowd ♪ ♪ Waving my erection ♪ ♪ At all the members of One Direction ♪ ♪ Five is too many for shame ♪ ♪ I’ve got to talk about this ♪ ♪ After Zayn left ♪ ♪ I did a little walk of shame with him ♪ ♪ I walked out of his mansion ♪ ♪ With a gym ♪ ♪ Inside how the heck ♪ ♪ Is he so damn ripped ♪ ♪ When I see Ronan Keating ♪ ♪ I dip my hip ♪ ♪ He’s from one back in the day ♪ ♪ Ride a rollercoaster ♪ ♪ Life is that way ♪ ♪ But the walk of shame ♪ ♪ Yeah we know how we feel ♪ ♪ You spent all night ♪ ♪ Got the blisters on your heel ♪ ♪ So you remove your shoes ♪ ♪ Take ’em off your toes ♪ ♪ Walk home with you bare ones ♪ ♪ Stilettos in left hand ♪ ♪ The other maybe a handbag ♪ ♪ You’re still glammed up ♪ ♪ Wearing all of the glad rags ♪ ♪ Like a nice black
dress with the diamante ♪ ♪ A pride of stride is what I’d call it ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Don’t feel shame
’cause you slept around ♪ ♪ It’s fine if you wanna fuck ♪ ♪ Every guy in town ♪ ♪ Every male body ♪ ♪ Genitals plundered ♪ ♪ Unless you go back about 700 ♪ ♪ Back in those days 1300s plague ♪ ♪ It would be in your underwear ♪ ♪ All splayed out ♪ ♪ On the death cart with the buboes ♪ ♪ Walk past bodies stink ♪ ♪ Hold your nose ♪ ♪ You could look under the armpits ♪ ♪ Oodles of pus ♪ ♪ All the bodycarts no ♪ ♪ They were never enough ♪ ♪ They had to burn them in heaps ♪ ♪ People say it’s shoddy hygiene no ♪ ♪ But don’t keep the body in the house ♪ ♪ Take it out ♪ ♪ It’s better for all ♪ ♪ If you don’t preserve it for a funeral ♪ ♪ Rats spread the one in 1600 ♪ ♪ And I say ♪ ♪ That was ended by the fire ♪ ♪ In Pudding Lane ♪ ♪ The Great Fire of London ♪ ♪ 360 after ♪ ♪ Spin a little circle ♪ ♪ Yeah and I’m after ♪ ♪ Some mad tricks ♪ ♪ When I spin glow sticks go ♪ ♪ It spins round like
I’ve got a little yo-yo ♪ ♪ But this ones not got a string ♪ ♪ I put it on my wrist ♪ ♪ I throw it in the air ♪ ♪ Try to catch but I miss ♪ ♪ Aw shit ♪ ♪ Now some guy’s coming in the club ♪ ♪ Picking up my glow stick ♪ ♪ And throwing up ♪ ♪ Those signs ♪ ♪ Waving it around for the tune ♪ ♪ I say those are my glow sticks ♪ ♪ Gimme back soon ♪ ♪ I wanna return it ♪ ♪ I put it in my pocket but ♪ ♪ Again there’s a hole ♪ ♪ So the glow stick I drop it ♪ ♪ But luckily ♪ ♪ It’s self-illuminating ♪ ♪ What chemical’s in there ♪ ♪ Are combinating ♪ ♪ Combining technically ♪ ♪ It’s not the right word ♪ ♪ It’s still fun ♪ ♪ Wave it ♪ ♪ You can observe ♪ ♪ People on a mountainside ♪ ♪ In distress ♪ ♪ They’re holding glow sticks up ♪ ♪ Saying S.O.S. ♪ ♪ And you would go and get them ♪ ♪ And try to save ♪ ♪ Unless you thought they were having ♪ ♪ A mountainside rave ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Okay one last thing flow ♪ ♪ With me wishing ♪ ♪ I’m off to the ocean ♪ ♪ Going deep sea fishing ♪ ♪ You can see me picking up ♪ ♪ Kippers and haddock ♪ ♪ Then I kick back ♪ ♪ On my boat ♪ ♪ Sleeping in a hammock ♪ ♪ ‘Cause it helps with the ♪ ♪ Rocking of the ocean ♪ ♪ I get seasick when I feel the motion ♪ ♪ When I’m in the sun ♪ ♪ Apply suntan lotion ♪ ♪ Bait on my hook ♪ ♪ Then you know I just go in ♪ ♪ I like to get tuna ♪ ♪ I’m sailing in a schooner ♪ ♪ If you are a fish ♪ ♪ With some scales ♪ ♪ I’ll consume ya ♪ ♪ Put you on the deck ♪ ♪ Me and first mate ♪ ♪ I go over to you ♪ ♪ And then I masturbate ♪ ♪ But not sexual ♪ ♪ I master-bait that is on the hook ♪ ♪ If you come to my fish shop ♪ ♪ You can all look ♪ ♪ The amazing things ♪ ♪ Yeah that’s a mad wish ♪ ♪ My favourite one: sea bottom ♪ ♪ With a flat fish ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ (audience cheering) – You guys are fun! Thank you so much, my
name is Chris Turner. I’ll see you guys again sometime. Cheers.