HERE’S A FUN FACT YOU MAY NOT
KNOW. AMERICA’S GOT A $19 TRILLION
DEBT THAT’S GROWING BY $3.8 BILLION EVERY DAY. THAT’S MONEY OUR GRANDCHILDREN
ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY BACK BY SELLING THEIR BEACH HOMES IN
ANTARCTICA. ( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY, FINALLY, SOMEONE’S TAKING ACTION TO REDUCE THE
DEBT, AND THAT BRINGS US TO TONIGHT’S “WERD,”
DEBT OFFENSIVE. NOW, ONE OF THE BIG REASONS
WE’RE SO BROKE IS THAT THE WARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN COST AN
ESTIMATED $4.8 TRILLION. THAT’S A LOT OF MONEY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE PENTAGON KNOWS HOW THEY’RE GOING TO GET SOME OF
THAT MONEY BACK, BECAUSE “THOUSANDS OF CALIFORNIA
SOLDIERS ARE BEING FORCED TO REPAY THEIR ENLISTMENT BONUSES
AFTER GOING TO WAR.” ( AUDIENCE BOOS )
AND IT GETS BETTER. YOU SEE, BACK WHEN THE
GOVERNMENT NEEDED MORE SOLDIERS TO FIGHT IN IRAQ AND
AFGHANISTAN, THE CALIFORNIA NATIONAL GUARD HELD HUGE
SEMINARS WHERE THEY OFFERED “BONUSES OF $15,000 OR MORE TO
RE-ENLIST AND GO TO WAR.” BUT HERE’S THE THING: THE GUARD
WAS SO DESPERATE FOR TROOPS, THAT THEY OFFERED THE MONEY
BEFORE THEY CHECKED WHETHER INDIVIDUAL SOLDIERS WERE
ELIGIBLE FOR IT. AND NOW, TURNS OUT– HERE’S THE
FUNNY PART– THE PENTAGON WANTS THE MONEY BACK, AFTER “A FEDERAL
INVESTIGATION FOUND THAT THOUSANDS OF BONUSES WERE GIVEN
TO CALIFORNIA GUARD SOLDIERS WHO DID NOT QUALIFY FOR THEM, OR
WERE APPROVED DESPITE PAPERWORK ERRORS.” NOW, FOR THE RECORD, THESE
PEOPLE DID GO TO WAR, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: PAPERWORK IS
HELL. IN TOTAL, THE PENTAGON WANTS
BACK ABOUT $100 MILLION IN BONUSES. NOW, THAT, THAT MAY SOUND LIKE A
LOT OF MONEY, BUT IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE IRAQ WAR, THE
PENTAGON HAD UNLIMITED BUDGETS TO GO ALONG WITH THEIR UNLIMITED
REASONS WHY WE WERE THERE. ONE OF THE FUN WAYS THEY
BANKRUPTED US WAS THE NEARLY $12 BILLION IN SHRINK-WRAPPED
$100s THEY LOADED ONTO C-17s AND FLEW TO BAGHDAD. HARD TO BELIEVE. LUCKILY, THERE’S A PICTURE
OF IT. NOW, THERE’S AN URBAN MYTH THAT
THE 12 BILLION DISAPPEARED DAYS AFTER ARRIVING. THAT’S NOT TRUE. THEY ONLY LOST $9 BILLION. I DON’T KNOW HOW. NOW, NOT ONLY– NOT ONLY IS THE
PENTAGON ASKING THE TROOPS FOR THEIR RE-ENLISTMENT BONUSES
BACK. THEY’VE ALSO TACKED ON A 1%
PROCESSING FEE. CONGRATULATIONS, MILITARY. YOU’VE SOMEHOW MADE ME FEEL GOOD
ABOUT MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY. NOW, HERE’S WHAT I DON’T GET:
THE TROOPS SIGNED A CONTRACT, AND THEY KEPT THEIR END OF THE
BARGAIN– THEY WENT TO WAR, A WAR THAT BOTH PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES NOW SAY WAS A MISTAKE, EVEN THOUGH BOTH
SUPPORTED IT AT THE TIME. AND WHEN THE TROOPS GOT HOME, WE
EXPOSED THE TROOPS TO PREDATORY LENDING, ALLOWED THEM TO BE
RIPPEDDED OFF BY FAKE ONLINE UNIVERSITIES, AND MADE THEM WAIT
YEARS TO GO TO OVERCROWDED V.A. HOSPITALS. AND NOW, THE TURD ON THE SUN
DISTRICT ATTORNEY, WE’RE BANKRUPTING THEM TO PAY BACK THE
BONUSES THAT WE PROMISED. ONCE AGAIN, THE TROOPS GET
SCREWED. GOOD, BECAUSE WHAT REALLY UPSET
TAXPAYERS ABOUT IRAQ WAS THE PART WHERE WE PAID OUR SOLDIERS
WHAT WE PROMISED, NO W.M.D.s? THAT’S AN HONEST MISTAKE. A PRIVATE DOESN’T FILL OUT HIS
PAPERWORK, WE WILL CHASE YOU TO THE GATES OF HELL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TO BE FAIR, TO BE FAIR, SECRETARY CARTER CAN’T ACTUALLY
FIX THIS. ONLY CONGRESS CAN CHANGE THE
LAW. AND LEADERS THERE SAY THEY ARE
PREPARED TO TAKE PROMPT ACTION, EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE KNOWN FOR AT
LEAST TWO YEARS ABOUT PENTAGON EFFORTS TO TAKE BACK BONUSES
FROM VETERANS. SO, COME ON, CONGRESS. TWO YEARS? IT SHOULD BE EASY TO FORGET THE
TROOPS’ DEBT BECAUSE WE’VE APPARENTLY FORGOTTEN THE DEBT WE
OWE THEM. AND THAT’S THE “WERD.” WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JOEL McHALE.