I have no right
to talk bad about my mom, though. Beyond sneezing on a baby, I’m like really bad at everything. I don’t even know how debt works. I recently found that out when my dentist sent me
to collections. Yeah, my dentist sent me
to collections. The collection agency calls my phone. I answer,
’cause I don’t know who it is, and they’re like,
“Hey, we’re trying to collect a debt, “give us the money.” And I was like,
“Uh, no, you know? “No, I’m just not going to.” And he was like, “What?” And I was like,
“What are the consequences “if I don’t give you money? And he was like,
“We’re gonna make your credit bad.” And I was like,
“Not possible. (audience laughs) “Yeah, my credit’s already really bad. “My credit score is so bad, “it also has face tattoos,
do you guys? (audience laughs) “It’s so bad, ugh.” I’ve been denied
for a Best Buy card. Do you know what that, I’ve seen a bird accidentally
fly into Best Buy and leave with a card,
it’s so easy to get one. When I got denied,
the guy in the Best Buy was like, “I’m so sorry,
this has never happened before.” Like he was embarrassed for me,
you know? It was so bad,
it was so bad. And so I like,
tried to get a cell phone once and they were like,
“It’s a $1000 deposit and “then we’ll let you buy a phone.” I was like,
“I will leave here “with two tin cans and string, okay?” That’s so much money,
I don’t have that money. My credit’s really bad. It’s like,
so I’m not worried about it. So I’m like,
“Well do you have another thing?” Telling the debt collector like, “Listen I’m not worried,
do you have another thing?” And he’s like,
“We don’t have another thing.” And I was like, “Well I’m gonna go ahead and
not pay you then. “I’m gonna choose that option.” And he was like,
“This has never happened before.” (audience laughs) It’s like,
“Well, you know, “there’s a first time for everything,
so I’m gonna go ahead and “hang up now.”
And he’s like, “Have a good day, I guess?” (audience laughs) We were all very confused, it was a lot of first times
for everyone, you know? So we both hang up the phone. I call my dentist,
I’m like, “Hey, why’d you send me
to collections?” And the front desk lady answers it,
by the way. And she’s like,
100 years old and her name is Gertrude,
because of course, you know? (audience laughs) Everyone 100 years or older
has a name like Gertrude. And I’m like,
“Why are you even working there, “you’ve been out of
the teeth game forever, you know?” She’s so rude,
no one feel bad for Gertrude, okay? (audience laughs) She’s so rude. And I’m like,
“Why’d you send me to collections? “Why didn’t you just call me
and ask me to pay the bill?” And she’s like,
“I sent you letters.” I was like,
“Yeah, and I threw them away “like an adult, you know? (audience laughs) “I’m not reading your letters, Gertrude. “I’m not your sweetheart
from World War II, okay? “No one reads letters in 2017. “Text me, anything else,
you know?” (audience laughs) So she’s like, “I don’t know what to tell you,
you’re already at collections.” And I was like,
“All right, “well I guess I have to
find a new dentist, that’s weird so..” You know, that happened,
so turns out, by the way, collection agencies call me all the time and I’m just like,
‘”Listen, do you have another thing?” And they’re like,
“This is our only thing.” And then I’m like,
“Well, I’m going,” and I hang up, you know?
It’s a repeating process. Well, it turns out, collection agencies do have another thing. They have one more thing. They can send someone
to serve you papers to take you to small claims court
to get that money, okay? But here’s the thing about
serving someone papers. To serve them papers
to bring you to court, they have to get you
to admit you are who you are, okay? (audience laughs) So it’s like
three in the afternoon one day, and I hear a knock at my door, and I answer the door and
it’s this guy standing there with a clipboard,
and he’s like, “Hey, are you Shayne Smith?” And I was like,
“No, never. “What, what’s going on?” And he’s like,
“Uh, does Shayne Smith live here?” And I was like,
“I don’t know, pretty big place, “never seen anyone by
that name here, you know?” He was like,
“Looks like a very small apartment, actually.” It’s like, “You’re splitting hairs right now,
guy, you know? “What are you trying
to insult me? “What’s going on?” And that’s when I realized,
he’s standing there with a clipboard and
on that clipboard is my Facebook profile
printed out on it. So he’s seeing me see him
looking down at me with my stupid tattooed
face in the clipboard, (audience laughs) looking right back up at him,
seeing me see him. I think I said that right and it’s so awkward and
he’s like, “Okay, well if you’re not Shayne Smith, “who are you?” And it’s like three p.m,
I had just woken up. I’m not ready
to be someone else, you know? I just said the first name
that came to mind. I was like,
“Uh, Bruce Wayne? “I’m Bruce Wayne.” (audience laughs) He was not impressed,
you know? In hindsight,
I could’ve thought of a better name. So he’s standing there
looking very defeated and that’s when I realize,
I am wearing Batman pajamas. (audience laughs) Yeah, not good. And I was like… So I was like,
“Uh, is this your only thing?” And he was like,
“Yeah man, this is my only thing.” And I was like,
“So I’m gonna go now.” And he was like,
“Have a good day, I guess?” It’s like, all right. So I’m pretty sure that’s gonna
work itself out, you know? There are no consequences. I don’t know if you guys knew that. There are no consequences to debt. Like what are they gonna do,
send me to Alcatraz? Can’t. It’s been closed, thank you. (audience applauds) It’s been closed for like,
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